If I Had Only Known
by Nicky Morello
Summary: If I had only known it was the last walk in the rain. I'd keep you out for hours in the storm...


**Author's Note:** First Of All, a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone that read, reviewed, followed and favorited my last fic 'Halloween'! It means so much! Ok...so this will be my last fic before I am torched by an angry mob...However, this fic is actually a thought I had about season three. With all the rumours about Natasha leaving the show my mind got stuck on that, and I am prepared for something to happen to Nicky this season. That being said, I hope it's not this. I hope they don't kill her off, but give her an early release. I still have my doubts, but I hope I'm wrong. The song that inspired this fic is by the amazing Reba MacEntire called 'If I Had Only Known.' The lyrics are at the end. I don't own the song or the characters. Please leave me a hate filled review and pour your heart out to me. Thank you guys and, in advance, I'm sorry.

Lorna Morello lay on her bunk. Her body curled into a ball and tears streaming endlessly down her cheeks. Her heart ached, throbbed and, like a vase, was shattered into a million pieces. When she closed her eyes all she could see was her smiling face. The wild mane of red hair that was never tameable. Those big brown eyes that drank her in and looked at her like nothing else in the world mattered but her. Those lips, that smile that brightened up even the saddest soul. A trademark smirk that was almost always present on her lips. Hands that had the softest touch and could make any woman crave more. A body that was so flawless, yet so flawed. Lorna squeezed her eyes shut as she saw her face once more. The face of the woman she loved. The woman that was her soul mate. The woman she was suppose to spend the rest of her life with. The woman who's smile she would never see again. Lips she would never get a chance to kiss.

Nicky Nichols, the love of her life, was dead. She had overdosed on heroin, two weeks ago, while Lorna was in the SHU. She hadn't even gotten to say goodbye, except at a funeral her friends and fellow inmates had thrown

 _ **Five Days Earlier**_

Alex Vause, Piper Chapman, Lorna Morello, Brooke Soso, Sister Ingalls, Yoga Jones, most of the other inmates at Litchfield sat around Nicky's cube. Red was still in medical and Boo was still in SHU. The mood in the room was eerily quiet. No one quite knew what to say. Lorna sat between Piper and Alex, who both had an arm around her.

Yoga Jones took a deep breath, looking around. "This place won't be the same without her. I keep expecting her to walk in, making some inappropriate joke." She laughed softly.

"I hope they let Big Boo rot in solitary. The fact that she'd even let Nichols near that shit man. Not cool." Poussey shook her head as more tears fell from her eyes.

Alex met Poussey's eyes, "If they don't I'll take care of her myself." When she had found out it was Boo that had told Nicky about the stash and helped her hide it, it took three guards and two inmates to pull her off the woman. The only reason Vause wasn't in SHU was because the guards understood why she did it.

Soso stood up and kneeled in front of Lorna, putting her hand on her leg comfortingly, "Lorna I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what you're feeling. Nicky was an amazing woman. I mean I only knew her a short time but she was so charming." Brooke sighed deeply, "I'm just sorry."

Lorna looked up at her, her eyes red from the river of tears she had cried, "Thank you." She croaked, trying to smile weakly.

Piper tightened her arm around Lorna, "We're all gonna miss her. She was, she was amazing in so many ways." Piper smiled weakly, "She wasn't all big hair and sexual innuendos either. That woman had a heart of gold." Piper raised her small glass of toilet hooch, "To Nicky Nichols. May she rest in peace with seventy two virgins."

Everyone laughed as they raised their glasses to a beloved inmate that no one would ever forget.

 _ **Five Days Later**_

Lorna breathed deeply, trying to stop the tears that seemed to run nonstop down her face. She loved Nicky. She had never gotten the chance to tell her though, never gotten the chance to kiss Nicky's lips for the first time. Lorna felt her chest tighten as she remembered when Alex had told her.

 _ **A Week Ago**_

Lorna Morello smiled as she climbed out of the transport van and slowly made her way towards the prison. Her legs were still a bit wobbly and the sunlight still hurt her eyes. SHU for Lorna though had actually been good for her. She had finally realized that she was madly in love with Nicky Nichols. She had finally realized that Nicky truly loved her and that Christopher was a figment of her imagination, a fantasy. Walking into the prison, Lorna smiled as she passed her fellow inmates, not really paying attention to the sympathetic glances she was receiving. Walking into her own cube, she stopped when she saw Alex and Piper sitting on her bed.

"Hey guys." Lorna smiled, somewhat confused, "What's going on? Why do you look so sad? Are you that upset that I'm back?" She joked.

Piper smiled at her as she stood up to give her a hug. "No, we"re so glad that you're back." Pulling away to look at her she sighed deeply, "It's just that, umm, something happened Lorna. You should sit down." She motioned for Lorna to sit between them on the bed.

Alex, who hadn't said a word, turned to face Lorna. For the first time Lorna saw how red her friend's face was. The tear tracks that were obvious down her pale face.

"Alex, what-" Lorna was cute off.

"I'm so sorry Lorna." Alex whispered, "When I, when I found her it was too late."

Lorna looked at Alex, worried and confused, "Who?" She asked.

Alex took Lorna's hands in hers, "Nicky." She whispered.

Lorna felt her heart fall and shatter. "W-what?" she asked, hoping maybe she heard wrong.

"I'm so sorry Lorna. This is all my fault." Alex whispered.

"W-what?" Lorna stammered. "I don't, I don't understand."

Piper put her arm around Lorna, "Nicky overdosed on Vee's heroin. Alex found her in the bathroom." Piper paused, watching the younger woman's face start to crumble, "Boo helped her hide it. They thought Tucky would find it and tell Mr. Healy. When you went to SHU and with Red still in medical, Nicky went crazy and, I guess this pushed her over the edge. " Piper looked at Lorna sadly, "Boo got sent to solitary after Alex tried to strangle her."

Lorna just stared at Piper. "But, I don't. I never got to tell her I love her."

Piper took Lorna into her arms and held her as the floodgate opened and the tears poured down the younger woman's face.

 _ **A Week Later**_

Lorna rolled over and grabbed her radio from the bedside table, actually it was Nicky's. She flipped it on and the song that started to play brought tears to her eyes yet again. It was 'If I Had Only Known' By Reba MacEntire. She let her mind wander back to a flood of memories. All the late nights spent in the chapel. The jokes and secret touches and stolen glances. Lorna let the melody of the song take her back. If she had only known.

Later that night Alex Vause stood just outside Lorna's cube watching her For the past week Lorna had done nothing but lie on her cot crying. Crying out for Nicky like it was the only thing keeping her from the edge. Alex closed her eyes for a moment and, not for the first time in the past two week, ripped herself to shreds mentally. She should have known. She should have done more.

 _ **Two Weeks Earlier.**_

Nicky Nichols was losing her mind. Lorna had been taken to solitary five days ago for allowing Miss Rosa to escape. Red was still in medical recovering from her beating from Vee. Nicky punched the wall of her cube, she needed something. the ex junkie could feel her body itching, craving the one thing she couldn't have. She and Boo had found Vee's stash over a month earlier and had hidden it, expecting Pensatucky and her crew to find it. They never did. Nicky walked towards the laundry room, her senses already heightened, fear of someone catching her. _What would Red say?_ The voice in her head asked. _Fuck Red!_ The other voice _shouted This is your life! Do whatever you want!_ Had Nicky Nichols been thinking rationally, she would have kicked the second voice in the balls. Unfortunately, her mind was already made up, Making her way to the vent where the stash was hidden, she grabbed one bag and headed for the bathroom.

Alex Vause wandered into the laundry room to start her shift. She had finally sorted out the Stella/Piper drama. Ending with Piper actually punching Stella in the mouth. The black haired beauty smiled at the memory of the blonde putting the other inmate in her place, explaining that Alex was hers and that Stella needed to back the fuck off. This, of course, led to Piper and Alex fucking madly in the chapel for the last hour. Smiling as she went to grab one of the laundry bins, she suddenly noticed a vent laying on the floor. _Fucking Luschek_ , she thought moving over to put it back. That's when she saw it, that's when her heart dropped. Inside the vent were about six bags of heroin. Before anything else, Nicky came to her mind. The red head had been overly upset, overly antsy since Lorna had been taken to SHU. Standing up quickly Alex ran from the laundry room. After checking her bunk, Lorna's bunk and the chapel, Alex ran to the bathroom. When she did, she felt her heart literally stop. Under the door of one of the stalls she saw a pair of legs, more heart stopping, a pair of Doc Martins. Feeling her feet moving she rammed the door in hard. There, laying on the ground unmoving, was her best friend. A mostly empty bag of Heroin laying beside her. Alex fell to her knees by her friend. "Nicky." She pleaded hopefully. Hoping she was wrong. Hoping this was just a bad dream. Grabbing Nicky by her kakis and shaking her. "Nichols please! Fuck, please wake up. Please." Her voice was already raw from the tears streaming down her cheeks. "Nicky please." She pleaded over and over again, holding the redhead to her.

"Inmate what's going-" Bell's voice stopped as she saw who Alex was holding. "Holy shit what happened?" Alex looked up at her, tears stinging her eyes. "I wasn't there." She whispered.

 _ **Two weeks later**_

Alex wiped the tears from her eyes. She should have known. Taking a deep breath, not thinking twice, she lay down behind Lorna and wrapped her arms around her holding her tightly to her.

"Doesn't Piper need you?" Lorna whispered.

"You need me more kid." Alex whispered. "I'm so sorry Lorna. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own shit...I should have been there for her."

Lorna slowly turned around, her face red from crying endless tears. "Alex you couldn't have known. I shouldn't have been so stupid and gotten thrown into the SHU."

Alex pulled Lorna close, letting her cry softly into her shirt. "It's not your fault Lorna. None of us could have known."

Lorna sighed as she closed her eyes, hoping the comfort she was receiving would help her finally rest. "Thank you Alex." She mumbled softly.

"Anytime kid." Alex replied softly, "Anytime."

"Hey kid." A voice woke Lorna up in the middle of the night. Still wrapped in Alex's arms, Lorna looked around. Suddenly she saw Nicky sitting in front of her.

"Nicky?" Lorna asked, confused. "How are you here?"

Nicky smiled softly, reaching for Lorna's hand, "I'm here to tell you it's ok. I'm here to tell you I love you and I always will. I'm here to tell you I know you love me too. Lorna. I never meant to overdose. All I needed was a hit," Nicky paused, "I love you and it kills me, no pun intended, to see you laying here crying. I want you to be happy. I want you to live your life and do all of the things you want to do."

Lorna looked up at Nicky, with tears in her eyes, "But all the things I want to do are with you."

Nicky lay down on top of Lorna, propping herself up on one elbow. She gently wiped the tears from Lorna's eyes. "I know baby. But the thing is I will be there." Nicky whispered, stroking Lorna's cheek." I'll be there with you every day. In everything you do. I'll always be in your heart Lorna. And when the time comes, I'll be there to meet you at Heaven's gate. Because I love you, I love you eternally." Nicky wiped the falling tears from the younger woman's eyes. "But baby, until we can be together again, I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone that can make you as happy as I did."

Lorna looked at the redhead, reaching up she traced Nicky's features, "There is no one better than you." She whispered.

"Says the woman in bed with Alex Vause." Nicky smirked. "Lorna you are beautiful, sexy as fuck and the most kind hearted person in the world. I know you love me but one day you might fall in love again and I'm just saying that that's ok. I want you to be happy baby. I need you to be happy." Nicky placed her hand over Lorna's heart. "That's where I'll be. Always."

Lorna covered Nicky's hand and gazed up into her eyes. "Are we allowed to kiss?" She asked timidly.

Nicky smirked down at her. "It's mandatory. Especially since we never got a first kiss." Leaning in close she whispered, "I love you Lorna. Always."

Lorna looked deep into the redhead's brown eyes and smiled weakly, "I love you Nicky. Forever." Leaning in Lorna kissed Nicky softly on the lips. Her arms wrapped around the other woman's neck as she pulled her close. Nicky smiled into the kiss. After a moment they pulled apart.

"I have to go." Nicky whispered. "Goodbye Lorna. I love you."

Lorna felt tears sting her eyes. "Goodbye Nicky. I love you too." She whispered.

Smiling one last time, Nicky faded into the darkness. Lorna lay there for a moment, tears still stinging her eyes, "I love you Nicky. Always and forever." Turning to face the wall, she snuggled back into Alex's arms and for the first time in over a week, fell into a restful sleep.

If I Had Only Known

Reba MacEntire

If I had only known, it was the last walk in the rain  
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm  
I would hold your hand, like a life line to my heart  
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm  
If I had only known, it was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known, I'd never hear your voice again  
I'd memorize each thing you ever said  
And on those lonely nights, I could think of them once more  
And keep your words alive inside my head  
If I had only known, I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand  
You were the one who always stood beside me  
So unaware, I foolishly believed that you would always be there  
But then there came a day and I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known, it was my last night by your side  
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn  
And when you'd smile at me, I would look into your eyes  
And make sure you know my love, for you goes on and on  
If I had only known, if I had only known  
Oh the love I would've shown, if I had only known

 **Author's Note:** Yes, my bags are packed and my ticket to hell is in my hand lol! I hope you guys enjoyed this and I hope I'm wrong. I hope Nicky doesn't overdose and gets out early instead! To all my readers, please review! Thank you for reading.


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